


Christ Compels Thee

by Mizudoriko



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Different Boy Who Lived, I wrote this on a whim, Muggleborn OC, OC is so done with the sheer stupidity of Wizarding Britain, Some profanity, The power of Christ compels theeeeee!!!!, WHAT IS SLEEP, here have my offering for christmas, not really - Freeform, sorta - Freeform, sorta crack, what did I create
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 00:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17131349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizudoriko/pseuds/Mizudoriko
Summary: Jonathan Michael Jones is an utterly boring and average boy.This is a fact.If you were to meet him and proclaim otherwise like the rest of Magical Britain has spontaneously decided to do… you are most likely to end up with the most dead pan look to ever grace the universe as a reward.But if he likes you, you may call him J.M.J. or Jay for short.This is not a story of how he became the most famous person in Magical Britain. This is how he came to the long awaited conclusion that the wizards of Europe are all idiots.Honestly, it took him a whopping seven years.Jonathan, or Jay, has never claimed to be a particularly intelligent person.Funny how they got sorted into Ravenclaw.





	Christ Compels Thee

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing but my ideas and my one singular character along with his parents.

Jonathan Michael Jones is an utterly boring and average boy.

This is a fact.

If you were to meet him and proclaim otherwise like the rest of Magical Britain has spontaneously decided to do… you are most likely to end up with the most dead pan look to ever grace the universe as a reward.

But if he likes you, you may call him J.M.J. or Jay for short.

This is not a story of how he became the most famous person in Magical Britain. This is how he came to the long awaited conclusion that the wizards of Europe are all idiots.

Honestly, it took him a whopping seven years.

Jonathan, or Jay, has never claimed to be a smart person.

Funny how they got sorted into Ravenclaw.

* * *

 

When Jay got his letter, his mother took one look at it and threw it into the trash, muttering about scammers getting dumber by the day. His father didn’t bother to look up from his newspaper, but adding in his own opinion on the matter,

“Well, if scammers had any intelligence, maybe they would actually get a job.”

And that was that. End of discussion. Barely even made a blip on the radar.

* * *

 

The next four letters were treated with the same amount of disdain as the first. 

All of them ended up neatly into the trash.

* * *

 

It was only after the letter count reached thirty one that his parents decided that they’d had enough.

They wrote out a nice respectable letter that boiled down to a polite if roundabout:

“Fuck off”

Then his father mailed it the normal  _ respectable _ way because really? Owls? What did people think they own? An aviary?

It’s a  _ construction _ company.

Maybe that’s what the scammers are getting at, secret illegal owl smugglers trying to steal their nonexistent owls.

Well, too bad. They don’t own any owls.

* * *

 

It was only when the old lady showed up  _ uninvited _ at their front doorstep that they actually paid much mind to what the letters meant.

His parents were leery about the whole concept of magic even after the woman demonstrated for them. Jay, too, did not believe the “Deputy Headmistress”.

But hey, seeing is believing, right?

And then this “Minerva” went ahead and said they have to take the “Hogwarts Express” from Platform Nine and—wait what?!

_ Three quarters. _

Nine and  _ three quarters. _

Okay, this woman is officially high.

* * *

 

Somehow,  _ somehow _ that Minerva lady who clearly lost all her marbles managed to convince them to send Jay to Hogwarts.

Her next act was highly unappreciated.

It is official, Apparition  _ sucks. _

Who names a place  _ Diagon Alley?! _ It’s literally diagonally. What’s worse, Diagon Alley isn’t actually diagonal.

What is this rubbish?

Okay, the wand and books were cool. But  _ still. _

Wizards. Idiots. All of them.

* * *

 

His parents trusted him to board a train on his own successfully. He’s done it by himself many times before with minimal supervision.

Besides, how bad can it be?

* * *

As it turns out, pretty bad.

It’s official, these “Purebloods” are incestuous gits who have no decency.

He’s going to stay far away from them and whoever this “Harry Potter” person they’re talking about. Bad news all of them. Clearly prejudiced. And also idiotic like the rest of Wizarding Britain.

* * *

 

The whole boat trip thing was highly unappreciated. Some arse decided to push him of the goddamn boat.

Note: the “Great Lake” tastes like a rat crawled into it and died.

Ew.

* * *

 

Is no one else concerned about a hat with seemingly human or greater intelligence poking around in his head without so much of a warning?

_ Hey! _

No? People need their heads examined. And  _ not _ by a talking hat. Maybe that’s why they’re all such idiots. That and the inbreeding. God, ewwww.

_ Shut up, just place me somewhere where I can learn something useful for a change. _

_ Hmmmm….better be— _

“Ravenclaw!”

* * *

 

Ravenclaw isn’t so bad, the people actually have some common sense. That and Ravenclaws usually fade into the background which is totally fine in Jay’s books. 

Thank God he wasn’t that Harry kid.

So whose Harry Potter?

Oh, wow. There’s  _ a lot _ of stuff on him. 

Jay ain’t got no time for all that, especially if the first four books are entirely rubbish and contradict each other.

Besides, Harry seems pretty average, Jay would actually like to make friends with him if he weren’t so...attention catching.

And his brand of popularity. Yeah no, ain't touchin' that with a ten foot pole.

Sorry Harry.

* * *

 

It was a real good thing that he didn’t make friends with Harry because being at the top of a Dark Lord’s—it’sactuallyathingohgodwhycan’tpeoplebenormal—hit list is not where he wants to be in life.

Nope. Not happening.

He’s going to get a cross necklace, memorize the Bible, and get his hands on some holy water as precautionary measures.

That and improve his defence. 

And find some spells to make him even more invisible.

Also, the Headmaster is insane, why did he think that hiding a prized artifact with a honest to God Dark Lord’s interest in a school was a good idea?

What even  _ is _ this artifact?

The Headmaster owes the students knowledge on what exactly occurred while their safety was compromised at least.

* * *

 

What in the actual  _ hell _ is the Chamber of Secrets and why the  _ fuck  _ are people not more concerned about this?

Jay is beginning to think he made the wrong decision in schools.

* * *

 

Oh so now Harry is at the top of  _ two  _ mass murderer’s hitlists.  _ Wonderful. _

Is the bad luck contagious? Please don’t let it be.

Dementors are awful and Ministry wizards are also idiots. Soul sucking monsters in very near vicinity of many defenseless children? Sure, what could  _ possibly go wrong? _

Jay works on memorizing the Bible with more fervor.

Also, magic is  _ awesome.  _ All the all nighters he pulled reading up on it were worth it.

* * *

 

Jay has definitely made the wrong decision in schools. This is not worth taking summer school to get some actual basic education.

Someone decided that a magic fire cup was superior to pulling names out of a hat and of course Harry-I-Have-Too-Many-Hyphenated-Titles-Potter gets selected as well even though he  _ shouldn’t have been able to in the first place. _

It’s official, the only ones with any self preservation are the Slytherins. And that is debatable with how happy they are at being so inbred.

Putting the Headmasters,  _ British  _ Ministry Officials, and the singular Headmistress as judges for the Tri-Wizard Tournament isn’t logical.

Of  _ course _ they’ll score their own Champions better than the rest. It’s not even evenly balanced bias. There’s  _ British Ministry Officials _ for a  _ British School of Magic. _

Someone hammer some sense into these people.

* * *

 

Yes, Britain. Voldemort is back. You think Harry went and killed Cedric himself? Pull your heads out of the sand for once.

Umbridge is a prime example of a witch that deserves to burnt at a stake. Jay is willing to build the pyre himself by  _ hand _ if he has too.

So, who’s with him?

* * *

 

People are dying. The Ministry isn’t doing anything about it and are actually  _ ignoring it. _

Jay is fine. Of course he is. He is not bothered by the fact that there is a mad man out there trying to kill people of his blood status out there  _ at all. _

Nope. Not one bit.

* * *

 

Jay wishes that he pulled a Harry Potter.

He should have skipped school this year.

Seventh year is literal  _ hell. _

If he survives this he is leaving Magical Britain  _ and not coming back. _

It’s a real good thing that he read about all of those spells, people barely even remember he exists. If someone where to ask his housemates about him, it’d take much prodding and thinking for them to remember him. 

All of his hard work over the years finally come to fruition. Never mind that he began his campaign of becoming “invisible” due to his dislike of attention.

It’s also a good thing that the people the Dark Lord appointed as teachers aren’t all that bright.

Otherwise Jay is sure that he’d be dead by now.

* * *

 

So people do remember him. Dumbledore’s Army they call themselves, what an idiotic name. Couldn’t it have been something less obvious or cooler? Clearly not.

But hey, they have need for his averageness and “invisibility”.

It’s also safer in the Room of Requirement. Even more so with people teaching defense spells.

* * *

It’s the final battle.

The cliche must-have final showdown between good and evil.

Jay isn’t an idiot, he knows that the world is more coloured in shades of grey than black and white.

But he knows what he must do, for the his continued survival, for the safety of future generations…

Voldemort must die.

He just has to do his part and fight the best he can and not die.

* * *

 

The battle isn’t going well.

They’ve suffered so many losses. They might lose. Voldemort might win. This is bad.

* * *

 

Harry that  _ self sacrificing  _ **_idiot._ **

Doesn’t he understand that he is the literal rallying point for the Light?!!

Well, looks like their saviour has kicked the bucket.

Jay is fresh out of ideas.

So he does what he has been doing since his first year in Hogwarts—

* * *

 

The stunned silence of watching The-Boy-Who-Lived’s lifeless body in a grieving Hagrid’s arms is broken when someone steps forward and breaks rank.

Their face is utterly unmemorable.

Brown hair, brown eyes, average height, not particularly handsome or ugly. 

Just  _ average. _

* * *

 

He announces the poor excuse for a Saviour’s death.

Watches as the Light withers away in their shock and grief.

Can  _ taste _ their despair.

Then someone steps forward.

Rage clouds his mind.

_ Who is this fool to  _ **_dare_ ** _ challenge  _ **_him?_ **

* * *

 

Jay steps forward, hand going for the necklace around his neck. What he is about to do is insane and his parents are going to  _ kill  _ him for this if he doesn’t die via an apoplectic Voldemort.

His hands shake. He grabs the cross and tear the necklace off from where it usually rests.

He’s betting on Voldemort being an arrogant ass that likes to gloat to not immediately Avada Kedavra him where he stands.

He takes a breath to calm himself.

Well, it was a nice life, when he dies, at least he can laugh it up with his fellow dead people in the afterlife.

Or maybe he can come back as a ghost and stay in Hogwarts.

That’d be nice.

Jay breathes out, and musters all the magic, all the courage, all of his determination, and righteous anger to scream in the face of his death,

“ **_THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!! BEGONE EVIl DARK L_ ** _ —”  _ he coughs, screaming is not his strong suit, “Goddammit, get it right you nerd. Where was I? Ah. Begone evil your dark doofus-ness.”

* * *

The boy is obviously terrified. He takes relish in the way their whole body trembles while their eyes flutter closed in semblance of a prayer.

_ Good, pray for your life. Get on your hands and knees and  _ **_beg_ ** _. _

Know that there will be no mercy forthcoming.

Lord Voldemort does not spare trash.

Then the boy’s eyes flutter open, it’s time to end this offending waste of space and magic. He’s had his time to wallow in despair, his end will not be swift. The boy shall be made an example of.

Voldemort raises his wand, a  _ Crucio _ on the tip of his tongue.

Then stops cold.

The boy glares at him with determination and fury.

How amusing. But it would only take a moment to turn that feeble courage into pleads for death.

The boy opens his mouth, hand brandishing something in front of him,

“ **_THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!! BEGONE EVIl DARK L_ ** _ —” _

They stop short, voice breaking off into a cough while whatever in their hand glows brightly.

Oh.

_ Oh.  _

What is this feeling.

This agony.

Memories unbidden leap to the surface, memories of a childhood he tried so hard to forget. 

_ ‘Monster...demon...call the exorcists…’ _

* * *

 

He keeps his eyes closed, willing his heart to remain silent as his friends wails rend the air.

If only they knew. But they must not know that he’s still alive. It must be realistic as possible.

He must catch the Voldemort off guard.

He must be a Slytherin for this part.

There is a sudden hush. Have they discovered him? What is going on?!

“ **_THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!! BEGONE EVIl DARK L_ ** _ —” _

His eyes burst open, surprised. Leaping out of Hagrid’s arms, wand out and an  _ Expelliarmus _ in his mouth and ready to strike.

Only to stop and stare like the rest of the people gathered on the battlefield.

Is Voldemort...disintegrating?

“Harry? Harry!! You’re alive!!”

Oh, Hermione’s noticed.

* * *

 

What the actual  _ hell?!! _

Jay didn’t expect this to actually work. He’s not going to complain though, that’s one Dark Lord dead and done with.

He closes his eyes, feeling faint.

Where did all of his magic go???

He hopes that he’s not hit by a stray spell when the clusterfuck that has been temporarily stalled with Voldemort’s death breaks loose.

Surely someone would have the decency to protect his prone form.

Right? _ Right?!!! _

* * *

 

“Jay, Jay!”

“Five more minutes, Mom.” He mumbles, trying to go back to blissful sleep.

“Jay, wake up!”

Jay blearily pushes himself upright in an unfamiliar bed. Why is there so much white? Also, his body hurts like it got put through a lawnmower and was reassembled.

“Thank goodness, we contacted your parents and they’re going to arrive soon. We’re pretty understaffed at the moment due to the amount of wounded that we have. Sorry that we couldn’t spend more time on you.”

He flaps a dismissive hand at whoever that is obviously not his mom sitting at his bedside.

“Nah, it’s cool, man...wait. Harry?!”

Harry shrugs sheepishly,

“You’re a hero, Jay. But you were stable and only magically exhausted, so there wasn’t much that we could do.”

Jay shakes his head to clear it, holding up a finger,

“Wait, wait, wait. Start from the beginning. Explain what happened when I was out. All I remember was acting like a fool and Voldemort suddenly poofing into dust. He’s dead, right?!”

Harry raises an eyebrow at the ‘acting like a fool’ part,

“Yes, he is dead. Whatever you did killed him. We don’t really know  _ how _ that happened, however.”

Jay slumps,

“Good God, he actually died from that. What the actual  _ fuck. _ ”

A hand finds its way onto his shoulder, an air of commiseration with it,

“I don’t understand either. I mean, there was an entire prophecy about it.”

He turns to Harry confused,

“What prophecy?”

“ _ The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives …” _

“Sounds like rubbish to me. Huh, born as the seventh month dies? That’s July, right? Hey, I was born on July thirty first. They got that right.” He taps his chin thoughtfully.

“You’re born on July thirty first too?!”

“Yeah, my mom had a real crazy freak accident after I was born too! My dad was driving us home from the hospital and the bridge collapsed. Both of them got off without a scratch, I got a scar on my hip. Dad took it as a sign to stop working as a construction worker. He started his own company!” Jay ends cheerfully as if he hadn’t described a near death incident right after his own birth.

“What.”

He continues to think,

“Oh. Oh, damn. You think that accident? Oh...that’s why they had no explanation for the bridge collapsing. Wow, he marked me as an equal without realizing.”

“What about the thrice defied part?” Harry offers.

Jay shrugs,

“How about the power that the Dark Lord knows not?”

“That’s obviously whatever you shouted at him and your glowing pendant.” Harry points out.

“You mean the cross.”

“Yeah.”

Jay goes back to his thinking mode, he’s a Ravenclaw, he should be able to do this,

“Well, I don’t know anything about the thrice defied him part. My parents are muggles.”

“True…”

A thought strikes him like lightning,

“Hey, Voldemort isn’t his real name, right? Cause that’d be tacky.”

Harry watches him warily,

“Mhmm, his real name was Tom. Tom Marvolo Riddle.”

He starts in shock,

“What?! That’s the kid my mom told me about!”

“What???!!” Oh, look. He broke Harry Potter. How does one put Harry back together?

“Yeah, my mom was from Wool’s orphanage with this kid called Tom Riddle. She was eight when she transferred there. He was...fifteen? Anyway. She didn’t like him so she gave him hell. She swears to this day that he would have killed her if she hadn’t been adopted so soon.”

“Wow.” Is the reply he gets, Harry doesn’t look like his worldviews are recovering soon.

The only thing that Jay cares about, however,

“What, this means  _ I  _ was the Child of Prophecy?!!! I call bull!!”

“If it helps any, I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole affair.” Is offered to him at a still in-shock Harry,

“Yeah, he’s dead and not about to come back to life...again. Right?” The dread of having to deal with Voldemort again spikes him with adrenaline and terror. He’s not doing that again. Never again.

“Yes, he won’t be back.”

Jay lies back down in satisfaction,

“Good, that’s all that matters.”  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This came to be because I asked the question of what would happen to Voldemort if someone poured holy water on him and it ran away from me.  
> I wrote this as a result
> 
> Leave me comments on what you think, and I will try to answer?
> 
> Also, is this my first Harry Potter fic? How?!!
> 
> (Please note that I do not believe this to be cannon, it's just a thought of what would happen if....  
> Don't stake me please)


End file.
